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Archive for Doctors Crazy Blog

So…the patient showed up today and I told him everything. He was shocked and apologized for getting sucked in. Can I just tell you how satisfying it was to tell him the WHOLE story? Finally one of those bitchy Nurses gets her due (sorry to you sweet Nurses out there…I know you’re not all bad…).

…and yes, I am calling Monday to see if Crystal is still employed….YATCH.

By FunMelaMasti.com

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Can I tell you how sick I am of people trying to pass forged prescriptions for oxycodone/Oxycontin to me? Here are the rules if you want to trick me:

1) Spell check your work… If you misspell the city, state or clinic name it’s sort of a dead giveaway…

2) Don’t be greedy… #270 Oxycontin 80mg usually sets off a few bells and whistles…especially when you want to pay cash…

3) Make sure the prescribers phone number is right… Now, I know you know I’m going to call…that’s why you set up the phone number with a fake message system that acts like the prescribers office. I didn’t go to no fancy school or nuthin‘ but…COME ON…do you think I don’t have a vast prescriber profile with a number that doesn’t include the one you’re forging for?

4) Stop using the same paper… If I catch one of your forgeries I would recommend that you change the watermark and color of the next ones you try to pass me.

5) Get the DEA number right… Nuf said.

6) Wear clean underwear… I’m going to trap you and have you arrested. The fellow last month got thrown to the cement and his panties were hanging out…tightie-whities were not so whitie

7) Don’t be so friendly at the counter… Schmoozing only works when chocolate is involved…anything else calls attention to you and makes me wonder “what’s up”.

8) Don’t use a prescriber that is no longer practicing… You really are a moron if I have to elaborate on this…

9) …and finally… Don’t call and ask me if it’s ready… It will always be ready…and so will security in the store (to detain you), and 911 will be called (to alert them you’re coming), and the prescriber will be called (to make sure they press charges)…and, just so you know…I have a detective that I am on a first name basis with because my pharmacy is his main bread and butter (I wish he was hot…but he’s not…poo…)… Oh yeah…and I like to tell you that it will be ready at a time when there’s a good line of patients waiting so you’ll be sure to have an audience (hence number 6…as a courtesy…)…

…there…that should level the playing field a little…

By FunMelaMasti.com

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Over the years I’ve received a few thanks. There are some that really stick out in my mind…you know the ones…where the patient physically comes in after you’ve advised them and they thank you and make you feel competent and worthwhile. It’s those rare rays of sunshine that make you remember why you get up and do what you do every day…those rare rays of sunshine that warm you after the loooooong winters of bitching from other ungrateful patients.

Recently my company changed management. I lost my beloved Old Boss and got one that is not a Pharmacist and whom does not really know what I do. New Boss is not a bad person (…recent events could prove me wrong…we will see…)…New Boss is just in waaaay too deep and should never have been allowed to get the job, let alone apply. That said…I really don’t have anyone to impress anymore. Old Boss was like a parent that I wanted to please and receive praise from – New Boss doesn’t know what the hell is going on so anything New Boss has to say really doesn’t matter to me (…sure, go ahead and tell me I’m doing great, but you don’t really know what a great job is so your compliments or constructive criticisms carry no weight…just stay outa my Pharmacy and let me do my job…know what I mean folks!?…).

Last week one of my technicians called me in the middle of my vacation. I expected to hear about some drama that I needed to come in and deal with (…probably Store Management related because as you know “when the cat’s away the mice will play”…ignorant dumbasses always meddling with my Pharmacy when I’m not there…)…but what she called to tell me was not expected. She said that everything was fine but that they were really looking forward to me coming back…and that they didn’t realize how much I did….DIDN’T REALIZE HOW MUCH I DID…(lemme say that again….)…DIDN’T REALIZE HOW MUCH I DID…

Thank you for that acknowledgement. Thank you for putting me at ease for the rest of my vacation. Thank you for making me feel important and needed. Thank you for compensating for a New Boss’s inability to make me feel all that I mentioned above…

To my tech that called me…you know who you are…Thank You…

By FunMelaMasti.com

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I know it’s been hot. Everyone is sweaty and looking for a way to stay cool. Shorts, tank tops, bathing suits…I’ve seen it all…until Friday….

To the lady who came in wearing a “shortie” blue tye-dyed shortie shirt…thank you for the “peek-boo”. Could you please make sure your shirt is longer than your tits next time…or perhaps wear a bra? I thought you had a mole on your belly…good thing I didn’t ask if you needed counseling on that…

By FunMelaMasti.com

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So…I’m checking prescriptions when I notice (out of my peripheral vision) one of my Assistants directing this guy to my consultation window. The second he gets there he starts waving his arms at me and this is how it goes:

IDIOT: “Excuse me” “Hello!?” “Excuse me” “Ma’am?” “Hello!”

ME: “I’ll be with you in a moment.”

IDIOT: …shifting from one foot to the next… Then begins waving his arms at me again…”Hello” “Excuse me!”

ME: “I said I’ll be with you in a moment” …now I’m pissed…I hate to be yelled at or interrupted like this…

IDIOT: …does the unthinkable…KNOCKS ON THE COUNTER and then gives me the “come here finger”….

ME: …beside myself I round the counter…”What can I help you with?”

IDIOT: “Are you hiring?”

ME: …in disbelief…”Excuse me?”

IDIOT: “Are you looking for a technician?”

ME: “No”

IDIOT: “So, you’re not hiring?”

ME: “No”

IDIOT: “You don’t need any technicians?”

ME: “No” …and then I walk away….

Are you kidding me with that?

By FunMelaMasti.com

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I really enjoy my days off because I get so few. More often that not, one of my patients finds out that I have a day off and has to come into my Pharmacy and be a big enough asshole that my staff has to call me. This weekend (my weekend off) was a prime example…

So…I get not one, but two phone calls about the same patient – one from the floating Pharmacist and one from a member of Management in the store. Long story short is that a patient called complaining that we shorted him zolpidem (only gave him 6…yeah right…), Pharmacist confirmed our on-hands as correct (Yeah team! Good job double counting!) and told the patient he’d have to speak to the Pharmacy Manager on Monday, the patient told him he was coming in and that it better be ready (yeah right…like you get to dictate) and when it wasn’t ready he went to store Management and said he was going to get 20 friends to protest the store unless he got his drugs (gotta give him credit for being tenacious!…stupid, but tenacious…). I tell everyone involved that I will deal with him on Monday…

Monday…sweet Monday…ahhhhhh…anticipation of this ridiculous confrontation that is not going to go well because I’m not giving him a damn thing…and then the phone rings….”Who is the opening Pharmacist?” Yep, you guessed it…not only do I have to deal with Mr. zolpidem but also a no-show Pharmacist with only 5 minutes to open…and (yes, you guessed it) by the way, Mr. zolpidem is there waiting. FABULOUS!!

After I arrive and we enter the Pharmacy and see Mr. zolpidem waiting to pounce on me it occurs to me that I had intended to go about things the wrong way…I view his profile and find that Mr. zolpidem has filled 120 days worth of drug in 30 days (cash paying customers fly under the radar in our system unless you look at their profile or know them…and apparently the floating Pharmacists coming through my Pharmacy were not curious…). I decide I’m going to give Mr. zolpidem what he wants…

The doors open and he pounces directly upon my consultation window (now I’m salivating)…I print out his fill history (giggling in my little head)…our conversation went something like this:

Me – Hello Mr. zolpidem. I spoke to the Pharmacist and Management this weekend from home while you were here and I understand you allege you were shorted some zolpidem.
Him – Yes. I only got 6. Did you get the fax from Corporate? I was on the phone with them this morning and they faxed you two hours ago about this (gloating…ready to begin the fight…).
Me – No, I did not receive a fax (get ready for the smack-down Mr. zolpidem). I don’t know who you spoke to, but they are obviously uninformed about what type of authority they have in my Pharmacy. Regardless, I’m not interested in arguing about the shortage of drug…I think that is a lose lose conversation…I’m refunding you the money you paid for your last fill because our on-hands are correct and I’m unable to justify dispensing more drug. What I’m really concerned about is your safety…
Him – What do you mean?
Me – You’ve refilled 120 zolpidem in the last 30 days…can you explain this history for me?
Him – Like I told your other Pharmacist – I do a lot of traveling.
Me – A day is a day…traveling out of state doesn’t change that…I’m very concerned about your zolpidem usage. So, in addition to refunding what you paid for your last fill I’m going to fax a copy of your refill history for the last 6 months to your prescriber…we should never have filled this prescription for you with this frequency and he needs to be informed of the error. In fact…according to my calculations we will not be able to fill any more zolpidem for you until the end of July or first part of August…
Him – Well…I’m going to see him today…so I’ll tell him. You don’t need to fax him.
Me – That is great…I’ve already faxed him so your appointment will be timely enough for him to review my fax prior to your arrival.

…he says nothing as I give him his refund…

Me – Please let your Doctor know that if he has any questions that he can call me…and you have a nice day (turning to leave)…
Him – Wait a minute…don’t you want to take a look at this (shows me a receipt from us with lots of notes about his fill and his conversations with people during his rant this weekend)?
Me – (He hasn’t got to fight with me…which is really what he came for…now’s my chance to really steal his fire…) No…it’s not really relevant to the issue at hand, but thank you. You have a nice day and feel free to call me if you have any further questions.

I hope that shit-sandwich he spent all weekend making tasted good…

By FunMelaMasti.com

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Murphy’s Law dictates that once a patient enters the “Pharmacy-Zone” any shred of common sense or intelligence they previously had disappears (although I doubt that many of my patients ever had any anyway…except for my three favorites that still have all their teeth and can put whole sentences together). Sometimes I daydream about what I would really like to say…

Me: “Good morning, how are you?”
Patient: (sigh!) “I’m in a hurry…how long is this going to take you?”
Me: “About 30 minutes.”
Patient: “That long?”
Me: “Well hold on a second and let me see if I can pull some out of my ass.”

Me: “Ma’am we need your insurance information to bill your prescription.”
Patient: (exasperated) “I gave that to Walgreens already!”
Me: “This isn’t Walgreens.”
Patient: (snort) “So call and get it from Walgreens – I don’t have it with me.”
Me: “Listen bitch…you can call Walgreens yourself. Your insurance is your responsibility…and, no, you may not use my phone. So take your no-workin‘, Welfare-usin‘ little self to the back of the line and figure out a way to dial Walgreens on your cell phone with those nasty-ass, dirty acrylic nails and get your own insurance information.”

Me: “Ok, it’ll be about 30 minutes.”
Patient: “Are you kidding me!? That long?”
Me: (shrugging) “What…you’ve had this prescription for a month and now you’re worried about how long it’s going to take to get it?”

Me: “We’ll see you in about 30 minutes.”
Patient: (DSHS) “I’m in a hurry. I have somewhere to be. I need it faster than that.”
Me: (sarcastic) “What…did you get a job or something?”

Me: “You have a question for the Pharmacist?”
Patient: “Yeah…where is the deodorant?”
Me: “Are you kidding me! You interrupted me for this shit? Do I look like directory assistance? Dumbass…”

Me: (going to counsel) “Hi…”
Patient: (interrupts and holds out hand for meds) “I’m a “Nurse” – I don’t need counsel.”
Me: “Really? Are you a RN…or just one of those glorified butt-wipers masquerading around as a “Nurse”?”

Me: “May I have your current insurance information?”
Patient: (snotty) “It’s medical coupon! My prescriptions are free! Just look it up on your computer.”
Me: “Free? Nothing is free you idiot…what you mean to say is that everyone who works is paying for your medication and medical. I suggest you step aside and find your own insurance information so I can help the rest of the patients in line get their medicine so they can go off to work and support your lazy ass with their hard earned tax dollars…bitch…”

Me: (responding to mad patient) “How may I help you?”
Patient: “I need this filled right away! I just sat out in your drive-thru for 20 minutes ringing the bell and no one came! Now I’m going to be late for work!”
Me: So…let me get this straight… You ignored the “closed” signs over both lanes and then spent 20 minutes pushing a button? Wow…your stupidity is surpassed only by your ignorance in admitting you did something so dumb…”

…god I love my job…

By FunMelaMasti.com

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So one of my OTC stockers (let’s call her May…) comes to me yesterday giggling her ass off…she tells me the following story:

It’s Friday night and May is stocking in the feminine hygiene aisle when a nicely dressed female customer comes along and starts scoping out the feminine hygiene sprays. It’s not uncommon for a customer to squirt a little spray out to sniff it and see what it smells like (does it really smell like fresh linen or moldy towels?)…no big deal. Apparently this customer wasn’t just squirting and sniffing… May tells me that the customer was ‘trying on’ the sprays on her wrist and that after she found her scent of choice she hosed herself down with it. I asked for clarification…”What do you mean ‘hosed herself down’?” May says, “You know, like in those Axe commercials for men…” (now I’m laughing my ass off envisioning the female version of an Axe commercial…smell like one big Baby Powder Vagina and hot men will flock to you…) So I ask if she bought the spray and May says that the customer just ‘hosed down’, recapped the spray, put it back on the shelf and walked away…

…after the ‘hose-down’ I wonder if she went over to cosmetics for glitter spray…

By FunMelaMasti.com

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Dear Paulina,

I received your fax clarifying the prescription for the patient that you originally called in on my voice mail. I also noticed the small note in the upper right corner saying that I had not been nice to you.

Pursuant to your faxed note, I would like to apologize for calling you back to get clarification on the name of the drug, quantity, patient name and date of birth as well as prescriber information; it was never my intent to offend you by making you responsible for the lacking information. In retrospect, I was probably a little impatient after being placed on hold for seven minutes only to find you didn’t have any answers for me – I should be more understanding of your work load as the 400+ prescriptions I am responsible for each day is probably a pittance compared to having to sit behind a desk and be cute and perky all day. I would also like to apologize for not understanding your accent through your gum smacking.

I hope you’ll accept this letter, fingernail file and pack of gum as apology.

Sincerely,
Ms. Mean

By FunMelaMasti.com

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